So, a friend who I shall refer to as "Delta Martian" one day, in his boredom, came and said to me. "Hey dude, get a blog." *insert double take here*....*insert another one*....Yeah, that was me when I saw it.
I tried to evaluate logically: "Why I shouldn't get a blog." Obviously, that didn't work out very well. Most likely it was because I actually felt like finding a place to spew out random junk from the bottom of my verbal stomach. You know, like how penguins regurgitate food for their kids?
...Bad analogy.
Anyhow, as I was debating on blogging with me, myself, I, me 2, and me 3, we all came to realize that we actually had something to say. Wait...a minute...I think I said this before...Yeah, this whole "write in first person speaking tense" thing is getting convoluted. Before I lose it(God forbid|wait, I'm not Christian{Oh, nevermind, it's ok, I'll just use his name in vain[no offence]}|)
I might as well write it down.
The Five "W" Words of Life (Warning Long as Hell And Takes Half an Hour to Read)
Once upon a time, in a land known as England, some fag said "Let there be English".
And so, there was English.
Then that fag went: "Shit, how do I ask question in English?"
Of course, being the fag he was, he didn't realize he had just asked a question.
And so, there was the five "W" words.
"What?!", "Wait...", "Why? *skeptical look*", "What the Fuck?", and "WOAHSHI-".
Now, you're probably thinking right now. "Yo what the fuck man, the five W's are who, what, why, where and when." Before you allow me to prove you wrong completely, please, consider this.
Just how much do you use those five W's? (Of course, not including the ones that overlap)
If you answered "A lot", then you're a fag, go back to Cambridge or wherever.
Anything else, you're still safe. Now allow me to explain why the "Old 5 W's" is utterly obsolete and why the "New 5 W's" should be the "Only 5 W's" in existance. Okay fine, I'm over realistically covering over Who, Where and When. What and why just got upgrades.
Who
I'd hate to break it to you guys, but in the "modern world" with "modern vocabulary", we really don't give a damn who you are. (I did. NOT. use that "who" as a question word.) Amongst our concrete jungles and cement gardens, you are very unfortunately, human "#insertrandomintegerhere". When you consider this fact, (and yes, it's a fact, don't deny it now) you should take into consideration how many people you know, versus the amount of people existing on the Earth right now.
Here, let me help you with that. According to the CIA Factbook (Wikipedia II, definitely reliable), the world population is currently at...
6,706,993,152
Let's approximate that to uhh...7,000,000,000 just to be safe. Now, I will proceed to utilize myself as an example and martyr my individuality to show you that your individuality is worthless. Remember the number 6706993152, or 7000000000, whichever you prefer.I shall now proceed to introduce variable 2, which is namely, "MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS". Facebook is obviously a valid source for my argument because OF COURSE I KNOW EVERYONE~. Wait as I phone up Facebook for my total amount of friends! *pleasewaitnowloading*
801
Damn. I was hoping it would actually be 802. But oh well, I shall now use the miracle known as "DIVISION" and by "DIVISION" I shall determine how much of the "WORLD" I know. *DIVISION-ing.*0.000011942759%
There you have it ladies and gentlemen. I know approximately 1.0*10^-5% of the world. And now, if you take this number into consideration, I'm sure you realize that out of those 801 people, half of them probably don't know me.I do believe that I have satisfied the requirements for proving how insignificant we are in comparision to "THE WORLD". Don't bother asking people who they are, you'll only be adding...*DIVISION-ing*
0.00000001491%
to your "Percentage of World Known"! You would have better luck getting to level 250 on any 1/1 mmo as a novice while being KoSed by bots, players, monsters every time you walk out of the first map. (I'll be nice and turn off exp loss on death)Conclusion: Who is insignificant. If you were wondering, Who found a new job instead of being a question word. He became a Doctor. Now he gets to fly around in a time travelling telephone box, and look more than 2D.
Where
It's really a shame that "Where", actually used to be rather usable and pretty dependable too. Unfortunately, that was back in the 5th century or so when people travelled around in dinosaur carts and the closest bathroom was the forest of coniferous trees just outside the cave filled with sabertooth tigers, wooly mammoths, and your friendly neighbourhood velociraptors.
Nowadays when somebody asks "Where is the closest washroom" the reply usually ends up confusing the asker so much that they end up answering nature's call amidst a tightly packed crowd of humans who definitely do not appreciate. At least the velociraptors were nice enough to give a minor warning growl before they chewed up your ass.
Let me emphasize very clearly. DO. NOT. ASK. ME. WHERE. THE. WASHROOM. IS. If you can't read signs, you're either a) blind, b) illiterate, c) dyslexic (in which you're really not at fault), d) retarded, e) all of the above. If you raised up your hand to a, b, c, or d, get echolocation and become a bat. At least if you're a bat you can fly away after taking a crap.
"Where" is obsolete. The answer has always been "there" (No, don't ask me where).
It's called a map. Learn to read.
It's called a sign. Learn to look.
"Where" nowadays can no longer be considered a question word. At least "Who" became a Doctor, "Where" just became a sign of human laziness, human stupidity, or in very rare cases, a lack of telepathy and rape via Einstein's relativity. I LACK TELEPATHY, WHERE AM I.
When
It just occured to me that like "Where", "When" also has a really obvious answer. But of course, schedules, timelines, calenders, clocks, and human ears aren't always available. Pity.
But really, When died to a different reason.
What and hoW murdered When when When was sleeping : (.
Just when I was about to comment on how I used to ask when the time for the midterm was, me 2 beat me to the punch and said "What time is the midterm?". Then when I was about to ask "when we could leave", me 3 suddenly interjected and said "How much longer til we go?" Every time I tried to give When some time to shine as a question word, What and hoW decided to be cruel and kick When's ass.
Needless to say, When is obsolete.
---------------------------------------------------------- X ----------------------------------------------------
Now, we should take a look at the NEw 5 W'S. Of course, this section will be shorter, since most of it is so blatantly obvious.
1.What?
What's life story was simple. What was born. What had an unfair advantage over his siblings. What became a megalomaniac. What took over When's job. What started taking over the roles of his other siblings. What contributed to Where's decomposition. What suddenly became universally utilized. What became so popular that it reproduced by some sort of literary budding, but its offsprings were mutants, making variants such as Wut, Wat, Whut, Watt, Wott, Woot, and etc.
Don't deny it, you use What. Everyday.
2.Wait...
You're going to tell me now, "Wait..." isn't a question! Don't worry about it. By the Law of Universal Question Making, if we apply an increase in tone represented by a ? or / at the end of Wait... it'll become a question. But you'll also realize that "Wait..."'s effectiveness drops a bit. "Wait..."'s potential lies in the fact that it is indeed, multidisciplinary.
You use "Wait..." to slow people down. (Before speeding past them)
You use "Wait..." to indicate doubt. (Before proving them wrong)
You use "Wait..." to show a lack of understanding. (Before going I GET IT, just as they start to explain.)
You use "Wait..." to stall. (So that you can copy the answer and hand it in)
The list goes on and on. Wait only ranks behind What because What's a whore.
3."Why? *skeptical look*"
This is so fucking self explanatory. I mean, you obviously use Why so that you can get them to talk more and spew out more BS. End of story. It's just third because a lot of the time, you actually don't want to know why, you just don't want to bother talking.
2."What the Fuck?"
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IT'S PHYSICS 153 RIGHT NOW.
What the fuck. It's good for you. Use it often. Just...replace fuck if you're seriously challenged.
1."WOAHSHI-"
There has never been an instance when "WOAHSHI-" cannot be used. If you dare to doubt the "WOAHSHI-" in it's practicality, elegance, effectiveness, and ability to interject into any conversation, then I suggest only one thing.
Use it.
That's pretty much it for the New 5 W's. God I feel like I'm writing a dictionary.
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