The True Nature of Chopsticks

So today passed by, where I
a) fluked my 152 exam and pretty confident I passed.
b( died to a tutorial where our TA slapped our face by telling us we sucked.
c) finished my 160 Lab, apparently ahead of the class, then realized I had to add another piece of code, and ended up finishing second. Oh well, it's only Nick ahead of me. : )
I wanted to play badminton today too, but apparently I couldn't. I wonder if the Community Center still has dropins (was about to say dropouts lolol)...apparently Myron reads this, so yo Ice Queen, what do you guys do on the weekends nowadays?
WOAHSHI- I JUST REALIZED!
a) I HAVE A MIDTERM ON MONDAY.
b) I HAVE COURSE COMPASS FOR TOMMOROW
c) I HAVE MASTERING PHSYICS FOR SUNDAY.
d) I'VE DONE NOTHING.
REALIZATION! >>> PROCRASTINATION SKILL LEVEL UP!
USER ~LOVELESS~ USES "ON TOPIC"!

The True Nature of Chopsticks (More warning on content length)
So chopsticks, the chinese culinary dragons for use against nasty bak choi, dangerous chinese sausages, perilious sticky rice, and other nasty asian beasties. With the recent influx of Asian influence here in Vancouver and other places where the massive Asian takeover has occured, outsiders of the Chopstick Kingdom have come to realize the existance of the majestic beast known only as the "Chopstick", or in the Chopstick Kingsdom's terms...the kuaizi. Oh wait, did I say massive Asian takeover somewhere in there? No, don't mind me, I said nothing.

Having lived here for a good 13 years, I have come to realize that, to my astonishment, most people do not know the true nature of this godly creature. That legendary animal which is the chopstick, most essential for the practice of chinese cuisine, has now been regarded by many as being "hard to use", "hard to master", "hard to pick things up with", "hard to hold without slipping sometimes", and other "hard to" accusations. In fact, I find that certain members originally from the Chopstick Kingdom have actually failed to utilize the Chopstick properly!

This begs me to ask: Could it be that the Chopstick is going obsolete?

Well, I guess, let's face it. The Chopstick, ever since it's migration over to the chilly lands of Canada, has found itself outside its natural environment. The unfortunate consequence of this is that it now must adapt to new prey on a new dining plate. No longer is it hunting bak choi in terra cotta bowls, now it is hunting broccoli on a 6x4 plate. No longer is it wrestling against deep fried pork against the slippery surface of a rice bowl, now it faces the formidable sirloin steak on a cutting platter.

Indeed, the situation looks grim for the Chopstick Kingdom's beloved duo.

But only those without faith would hesitate in the face of such an adversary! So allow me to humbly teach you now..."The Art of Chopstick Manipulation". As such, it comes in several varieties, suited for different styles of both Chopsticks and Chopstick Users, I like to refer to them as ninjas. 'Cause you know, ninjas look cool and all. Awesome.

Style 1: The Traditional Way
You know guys, lots of people find the Traditional really complicated, while really pretty, but sometimes hard to remember, and even harder to do properly. You guys, I actually understand how you feel. But let me state this one fact. Get ready.

TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED

Oh, what, you wanted to know how to do the Traditional method? Take your friend Chopsticks, three fingers control the attacking Chopstick, two fingers support the defending Chopstick. Do 63214B + 214C + 22A to perform the Chopstick Pincer Attack. Rinse and Repeat. Be careful not to press too hard, because the stupid keyboa-Chopstick may think you want to repeat a 2 or a 3, and end up flying away to some land somewhere. Hey, maybe it'll dig a hole to China if you press 2 long enough.

Style 2: The Brute Force Method
This style is most definitely deceptively simple but remarkably effective. Best used against large prey with soft underbellies, like, really raw meat ( which you know, I personally wouldn't touch, but it's really squishy ), gelatin, chicken fat, jello, pudding, and assorted "soft" objects. You ask me, how do I apply this style?

Easy, hold your chopstick in an underhand stance like a knife and stab it in, in the same fashion you would do if you wanted to murder your most hated teacher that pretty much failed you in physics 153 because his test was gay or the chem 154 or w/e that crappy class was (WOAHSHI- RANT DETECTED!)...yes, you get my point. Stab. Stab Harder. Stab Enough Harder. Apply Teeth. Stab More. Doing so will thus increase your experience points in this style.

As a precaution, allow me to warn you never to do this in the face of anybody who actually knows how to use Chopsticks. Like seriously, you'll look like a caveman who suddenly picked up a small stick and finally learned how to stab things with it. But if you don't care about your social image, then by all means, be my guest and stab away at your profess-uh...raw sirloin steak.

Style 3: Chinese Remainder Theorem
The Chinese Remainder Theorem, as specific and awesome as it sounds, is actually widespread and applicable in many situations not very Chinese. Originally developed in the Chopstick Kingdom by some Sun Tzu guy or something who also probably invented sticky rice and dumplings, the Chinese Remainder is very specific in that it states a general rule by which to use, the Chopstick.

Chinese Remainder Theorem
Let R and I be foods which are, unique and positive in taste, then let C and E be just really, any type of food that's edible. A method must exist in which a Chopstick User can reduce the amount of R, I, C, and E all to an equal value, this value dependant on the total edibility, taste, and uniqueness of the foods.

Undoubtedly, you're all going "WHAT THE FUCK?!" right now. You know what, I was too when I found this out. Actually, I'm still going "WHAT THE FUCK?!", not only at the fact that I'm going to die doing this moments assignment, but also that the Chinese Remainder Theorem is seriously scary.
Let's think about this in Layman's terms for a moment.

R, I, C, and E are essentially foods. What the C.R.T. (CRITICAL HIT!), states is that, there must be a way in which you can utilize the Chopstick and somehow, after a number of uses, end up with four amounts of food which are absolutely equal in their total "edibility value". This value is composed of three seperately factors, namely "Quantity", "Quality", and "Woahshi-ability". So let's give an example to highlight it.

EX.1 Johnny has 900 Onions, 4269 Cabbages, 30 Cadbury Milk Chocolate, and 1 Shark, weighing at 900lb. Johnny, also has a Chopstick. However, his stomach can only fit 2500 cabbages, 200 onions, 0.34 of a shark, and 2 Cadbury Milk Chocolate. Question: How should Johnny proceed with eating his breakfast? Oh, right, that's what he eats for breakfast, I forgot to mention it.

Ans.1 Very simple. Johnny must realize that by the Chinese Remainder Theorem, and referring to his table of Edibility Values, the R.I.C.and E. that he has, has the following values.
Quantity Quality Woahshi-ability
Onions 900 -20 500
Cabbages 4269 1 -10
Cadbury Milk Chocolate 30 50 2529
Shark 1 9000 over 9000
Johnny then utilizes a magical and mystical power available to all practitioners of the Chinese Remainder Theorem. He finds the NORM through ADDITION and MULTIPLICATION and SQUAREROOTIFICATION. He arrives at the following values.
NOTE: all values are "int" values, not denoted in %lf.
Onions 1029
Cabbages 4269
C.M.C. 2530
Shark 12739 (Limit as x approaches OVER 9000...is 9001, apparently.)
Now it becomes obvious that as the total edibility of the shark is higher than any of the other available foods, Johnny must first eat the shark, before he proceeds to eat his vegetables, C.M.C, and finally, onions. Problem solved, by courtesy of the Chinese Remainder Theorem. Just so you know, the amount of variables could be almost anything, like...D.I.M.S.U.M. , S.I.U.M.A.I. , T.O.F.U. and so on and so on. Just that R.I.C.E. is great as an example.

GOOD CHOICE JOHNNY.

If you still don't get it, don't worry, because it was never vital in the math 12 curriculum to learn the C.R.T. anyways. Hell, I forgot it and just ended up eating Mcdonalds. On the other hand, if you do get it, seriously, I think you need to see a psychiatrist for mental delusions.

Style 4: The Simplified Way (Aka, the Lazy Way, or the Gay Way, or the Ew what the fuck(?!) are you doing Way)

Allow me to reiterate.

TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED

Good. If you still want to learn, fine.
There's a breed of Chopsticks called the Korean Chopsticks. They're shiny, they're glisteny, they're hard, but they're really flat on one side.

Use that side. Press A+B. The Chopstick will clamp onto anything with its flat sides. Direct the trapped prey to mouth. Hell, toss it in if you're not confident you'll succeed. Repeat for profit. (Profit is minimal)

Like seriously, don't use this method. Good god, Korean Chopsticks, like, they're pretty much made for laziness. I swear. Learn the Traditional Way, or you might as well use...

Style 5: The Spear of Longinus a.k.a We're Going to Throw This Really Large Spear at You Now.
Warning: Do not aim at the sky while using this. We need the moon to do those tidal forces stuff you know.
Warning: Do not aim with power while using this, you'll end up losing a Chopstick, and the other one will cry.
Warning: Do not aim with abandon while using this, you can easily cause sharp sounds or break plates, both of which will cause you imminent pain.
Warning: Do not aim at people with this, especially if you have Korean chopsticks, you can potentially turn them into bak choi, like, you know, vegetable (wo)man?
Warning: While you're preparing to thrust the Chopstick in, be aware of your Chopstick's piercing strength. You know, too low and this can fail.
Warning: Once you've managed to pierce it in, don't try to wiggle the Chopstick or anything thinking you can break the food apart. I've tried it before, it can get messy, real quick.
Warning: You're stupid if you don't know how to do this.
Warning? If you still don't know how to do this, take one chopstick, drive it into a poor food like a spear, pop into mouth, savor taste, tear out chopstick. It's like a variant of the Brute Force Method, but at least you can drive it in without the same inelegance as the Kill Professor Thrust.


AND SUCH IS THE 5 STYLES (ELEMENTARY) of CHOPSTICK USAGE.

Please, I implore you, all of you who would think of converting to the "Frakkin' Fork" or "Kiddy Knife" or "Stupid Spoon", the Chopstick is waiting for you to develop mastery for it. It is easily, so very easily, superior to those three wannabes in every single way.

If you're still going to scream to be that it's too hard to use Chopsticks. Jesus, go use your hands, they're there for a reason. If you say that's too hard...wow, get an IV drip, I think you'll need it soon.

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12:15 AM...and my "ON TOPIC" buff has effectively run out. Wow. I was actually like, zoning out as I wrote this, I'm not quite sure what I wrote. What did I write...damn. Meh, whatever. I'll eventually think of it. Eventually.