What does it feel like to go through life never feeling lost, never understanding the feeling of being lost, and never realizing the concept of being lost exists?
For what purpose is it that people draw hideously large and undue comparisions, like saying "being lost is like floating in an ocean meaninglessly"? Why is it that we have to endure the literal idiocy of others commenting on us drifters afloat in said "ocean"?
The only concrete answer appears to be advil.
It's funny how time passes and things seem to loop around. It's ironic how people change for better and for worse. It's truly idiotic how concepts and perceptions just die off, so unnecessarily temporary.
I can't say whether staying the same is good, or change is good. But change is constant, so isn't staying the same just a different form of change? Why do we try so hard to map out everything that happens to us? To systemize, to categorize, to analyze, all of these things might not have a point at all.
Nearly four years or so ago, I thought that change was necessary in order to achieve one's goals. But I wasn't aware of a constant factor that's always been in play in my life: my general ignorance and stupidity over the overall situation. Other people are stupid academically, weak physically, but none can compare to the epic amount of failure that I embody.
It's easy enough to think that change is necessary in order to achieve goals. It gets retarded when you move to the next step: how much change is needed?
I was what, in grade 9, fuck. My goals weren't "let's go get a girlfriend." or "let's go see how we can get a fucking gang of pals together.". My goal was "Let's get an education so I can provide myself with a stable life when I need it most." It sounded sensible, but it wasn't. Or rather, I should state, it was sensible, it was logical, and it was effective.
Just that I was weak, and fell prey to distractions. Fuck, even using the word prey makes it seem like I'm the victim here. If I'm any victim, it's victim of my own machinations. You can compute how much you change, you can compute the effects of your change, you can never compute how others react to your change.
Reminisce. I've done that a shitload.
"If I didn't do that there..." I would have never ended up in the crowd I ended up with.
"If I only worked harder here..." I'd have gone to a different school completely and skipped all of this bullshit.
"If I had tried to get off my ass..." I wouldn't be typing in English, I'd be typing in Chinese and probably QQing some guy in HK.
I feel like I've taken the wrong branch at every point in life. Writing out dreams is pointless. Mathematical equations are pointless. Understanding concepts is a matter of futility. Working out other people's problems for them is a waste of sympathy. None of what I do really matters. I can go into a faculty and I'll come out with nothing but a rudimentary knowledge.
"I am the Devil" - honestly, that statement never hit home so...directly. I've had so many people call me evil, cruel, vicious, hostile, for all I know half of those were jokes and the other half meant to be truthful reflections of myself. I know I'm cruel, and all of the above.
"The Devil, and not the main character of this story." - Ironically, I've never wanted to be the main character of any story. I've always done everything I could to relegate myself to the sidelines. I hate attention, I scorn the people who would give me attention. The few that I've become comfortable with, it's taken so long. I have what, 2 people I could actually call friends?
"Not the main character of this story, more like the villain." - And fuck, I've hurt people, I've done things out of spite, anger, and jealousy that I should have never done. The crazy part is that I can actually convince myself of a purpose for all my actions.
"But I don't expect an apology" - My creed is for people to never apologize. Saying sorry doesn't change matters. Saying sorry doesn't revive the dead. And you know what? Whenever I do something wrong, it actually turns out for the best. For them. Not for me.
I thought I was starting to understand people. I understand nothing.
I used to think that love was irrelevant, that it was just a byproduct of human boredom and a necessary ideal to make reproduction and survival more aesthetically pleasing. - and hell, I fell head over heels for a girl that I knew I had no chance with.
Was it the impossibility of anything working out the reason why I wanted it to work out so badly? When I became friends with her, I told myself that I should just call it quits. - I didn't, I pushed on until I finally pushed her away.
What was once a perfectly viable friendship became something that I personally destroyed. All destroyed because of a single impulse. - I had already become aware of the Devil that I was, and definitely she could find somebody better. Because I devoted so much time to her I assumed that she devoted time to me, to hell with reciprocation, I needed to push her away.
So I did, I played push and pull, I went schizo on her, I played nice one day, hardball the other. Had it gone on any further I probably would have broken her. - And all because I was comparing myself to everyone around me. There's no sense or logic to any of my actions.
So we each went our own ways. She was probably better off than I was, because of course, here I was mentally split into two. One side longed for her, one side decided that for her good, longing was a sin. - So why, why the fuck was I driven to accept her when she came back?
I needed to release this. I don't care who reads it. I don't care even if she reads it. - When she came back, I couldn't control it again. It's a fucking rollercoaster once it starts, it's not like an addiction where it eventually becomes routine, it just keeps going faster and faster until you hit the top.\
I should've seen the signs shouldn't I? I should've been able to read her through her words, through her expressions. - There was no chance before, there was no chance now. What was in front of me, what was there, was just somebody who was so bored they needed somebody who would listen to them and pass time with them.
I was a tool, played with, toyed with, and used. - Why the fuck didn't I mind? Why did I take a masochistic streak and allow myself to get utilized in such a fashion? There's never been any logic to this. I change so that I can suit her, so that I can meet her needs and expectations. Then the moment comes again.
It's been a year.
No, it's been 5 years.
5 years, and the same person.
I'm a hopeless fucktard, just a bastard Devil.
I can be glad, because she's found somebody that I hope she spends the rest of her life with.
As long as she's preoccupied with him, both sides of me can be content.
On one hand, she's happy, so I'm happy. On the other hand, she's found somebody better than me, so I'm happy.
People who tell me "you've got good traits", they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. They haven't seen the things that I have, they don't know what I've done. It's not even about how much I've hurt other people, because I have, and I know it. It's about how much I've hurt myself, and in a masochistic fashion savored it.
Five years ago I gave my heart to somebody who crushed it when she realized what she had.
When she came back I let her crush it again.
Toyed with, broken, pushed around, and all the while I was to think that I was the problem because of some guilt trip that I went through. It's worse than the Hellavator at the PNE.
The girl, no, the woman, she came back once again this summer.
This time I was semi awake when I "saw" her.
What I saw, in her tone, it seemed to be a tinted, distorted sort of apology.
Sort of like a "hey, I didn't mean to use you like that, but here's a consolatory prize, I let you spend time with me before. So uhh...wanna talk?"
Yeah, I talked with her.
I dunno if it was smart, but this time I made sure I shut her out.
I don't want to see this woman ever again.
At this point, perhaps it'd be better if no one ever reads this.
Or perhaps, it'd be better if only she reads this.
Because right now, at this moment when all of my anger is being released out, I'm thinking of all the ways I could torture her if she ever comes back. In the morning, when all of this is gone, enveloped into this post, I'll probably go back to my "If you're happy, then I'm happy" mentality. But for now, I have nothing but hate for this petty human woman who saw and took advantage of a twisted Devil.
Yeah. For now.
I've changed a lot over 5 years.
If I were given the choice, I probably wouldn't have opted to change.
There's people that I never wanted to meet.
There's people that I was never meant to meet.
There's people in this world, that because of my decisions, I will never meet.
The one person in the world that I wanted most, I'll probably never see again.
"In this story, there was a Devil who found himself trapped in a human body, and though he acted as he would normally, when he recognized himself he realized with horror the demon that he was, and as such shunned the world around him. But as others could not see him for who he saw he was, they continued to treat him as they would any other. When it came time for him to yearn, his actions had already closed the doors around him."
Such is the nature of the Labyrinth.
2.24.2009
Mundane Idiotic Geniuses
After what appears to be a long hiatus, I have to come to several epiphanies.
a) During the break I wasted my time completely.
b) During the break Dan wasted his time completely.
cOnclusion: We have both wasted our time completely.
Several times I actually felt "kind of motivated" to do something. Fruitless attempts to put "effort" into the converter and transform it into "work" has led me to conclude.
Work is equal to force times distance. Is wrong.
Work = Motivation^2. Screw the force, screw the distance.
So, upon coming back into school, I realized that there was something I needed to write...I was GOING to write...over the week. Without further ado, and due to the fact that I am, technically, having an out of body experience (aka not paying attention) in MATH 152, I shall present to you...
Grand Theft Auto: Surrey City
Firstly, I'd like to put my usual disclaimer. I am a Triad member from Hong Kong who has multiple gangster relatives and people out to kill me. Wait, sorry, that's my brother. No, wait, sorry again, that's my cousin. But anyyyywaysssss...
a)I'm not saying being a gangster is bad.
b)I've played GTA before...3 years back.
c)Fact: The Police Force sucks.
d)Fact: Canada's justice system sucks shit. :End Disclaimer:
In the face of recent shooting crimes in Surrey, I have reached yet another ephiphany that will undoubtedly make me disgustingly rich, amazingly popular, and overwhelmingly headhunted by gangsters, police, and civilians alike. That is...
Why don't we represent all the crimes, gang warfare, and drug trafficking going on in Vancouver...all in a single bundled package, available for consumer use?
Before you start raging at me about "Vancouver Pride", allow me to say a few words. Now, quote me on this...
You can shove your Vancouver Pride down the drain.
Now that the matter is resolved, allow me to list the mass plethora of pros related to my idea, and then declare a couple nonexistant and negligible cons related to my idea. I've deiced to do this in an easy, accessible manner, naturally for your viewing ease.
PROS
a) With this, we can finally justify the hatred and insults that video game unenthusiasts have been wrongfully throwing at video games. They want violence? Can we do it?
YES WE CAN!
Of course, the reaction to these unethusiasts will still be the same : whine more, I'll shove the cheese down your mouth later.
b) With this, we can finally teach our children the effects of....MARAJUANA. LSD. CRACK. ALCOHOL. PROSTITUTES. DOWNTOWN EASTSIDE. GANG WARS. TEDDY BEARS. SPACE INVADERS. EDWARD HAN. AND OTHER RELATED PROFANITIES.
God knows they should experience this in a game, before stepping out into the real world.
c) With this, we can make a smash hit on the PS3, XBOX360, TOSHIBA LAPTOPS, MACS, the WII, and of course, THE ATARI 2600! Naturally, the sales records of this game in developement will break records unbroken since the introduction of TETRIS! OVER 9 COPIES WILL SELL. ALL IN VANCOUVER. You could practically call it: Tetris, the 2nd Coming.
d) With this, everybody in the world, not just those in Vancouver, will know of the efforts that Vancouver is making to "clean up" for the Olympics. God knows everybody should know the "proud" efforts our city is making!
e to z) Insert more awesome reasons here.
NOW TO THE...
cons.
a)wtf is a con?
b)conjob?
c)that's in the game too!
THAT IS ALL!
Now that I have applied the laws of propaganda to my idea, allow me to show you a "general overview" of the game. Naturally it's very classified data, like, Zone51 stuff, so uhh..you know, keep it secret. Or you might find me outside your window at night.
With a refridgerator.
The player starts off, being able to select his class. He can become one of three classes.
a) Civilian - The weaklings. Limited in his ability to equip weapons, restricted to using metal sticks, crowbars, illegal handguns, hunting rifles, cars, lamp posts, home made explosives, and of course, teddy bears. They level up by "Increasing Vancouver's Olympic Reputation" through a variety of in game quests.
b) Gangster - The awesome dudes. Uses anything from crowbars to rocket launchers to satellite lasers to nuclear warheads to SARS to teddy bears...and the dreaded...bunny rabbit. They level up by just being badass and shooting the shit out of things, and doing gangster shiz.
c) Policeman - The wtf buddies. They don't need weapons, they just drive around in their cop cars and eat donuts and drink coffee. They level up by doing completely nothing at all. As long as they remain passive they will gain experience. Even better if they run from the scene of a crime.
The objective of the game:
Level up, and become a person of renown in the city of Vancouver. More quests lead to more reputation, subsequently the player's "Wanted Level" will increase, and eventually cops will do NOTHING AT ALL TO YOU!
The Wanted Level:
An important element of the game, determines how aggressive the cops are against you, ranks go up from 1 to 5 as you do more crimes.
1 - Cops will call in the RCMP, and together they will hunt you down and label you a terrorist.
2 - Cops will see you and frame you for robberies, crimes, and generally kick the shit out of you.
3 - Cops will flip a coin to decide whether to a) shoot you, b) run away, c) eat a donut, d) kick that homeless at the eastside, e) turn on the siren for fun, f) camp out with other cops and have storytime.
4 - Cops will watch as you commit crimes, then flee when you notice them.
5 - Cops will pay you to spare them.
The Weapons:
Of course, who could miss out on the weapons in the game? Everything from the awesome to the mundane to the ultimately deadly...for example...
That Tree Over There (TTOT) - Awesome melee weapon, take them and whack them against the tree. Be careful you might make environmentalists angry.
The Rubber Ducky - Enough to make any terrorist go HOLYFCKRUNFORYOURLIVES! The rubber ducky is 90% artificial byproducts, and awesomely toxic! It'll probably kill you while you try to use it!
The Handgun - If you picked it up from a cop, it's actually empty. If you picked it up from a gangster, you have a full magazine. If you bought it as a civilian, shoot yourself.
That Refridgerator - The ultimate weapon in terms of efficiency, it's a literal Carnot Engine! 100% work converted into 100% energy, all in the form of CHILLING YOUR FOOD! Use this weapon sparingly.
....NOW I BELIEVE I SHALL...
TAKE A BREAK!
a) During the break I wasted my time completely.
b) During the break Dan wasted his time completely.
cOnclusion: We have both wasted our time completely.
Several times I actually felt "kind of motivated" to do something. Fruitless attempts to put "effort" into the converter and transform it into "work" has led me to conclude.
Work is equal to force times distance. Is wrong.
Work = Motivation^2. Screw the force, screw the distance.
So, upon coming back into school, I realized that there was something I needed to write...I was GOING to write...over the week. Without further ado, and due to the fact that I am, technically, having an out of body experience (aka not paying attention) in MATH 152, I shall present to you...
Grand Theft Auto: Surrey City
Firstly, I'd like to put my usual disclaimer. I am a Triad member from Hong Kong who has multiple gangster relatives and people out to kill me. Wait, sorry, that's my brother. No, wait, sorry again, that's my cousin. But anyyyywaysssss...
a)I'm not saying being a gangster is bad.
b)I've played GTA before...3 years back.
c)Fact: The Police Force sucks.
d)Fact: Canada's justice system sucks shit. :End Disclaimer:
In the face of recent shooting crimes in Surrey, I have reached yet another ephiphany that will undoubtedly make me disgustingly rich, amazingly popular, and overwhelmingly headhunted by gangsters, police, and civilians alike. That is...
Why don't we represent all the crimes, gang warfare, and drug trafficking going on in Vancouver...all in a single bundled package, available for consumer use?
Before you start raging at me about "Vancouver Pride", allow me to say a few words. Now, quote me on this...
You can shove your Vancouver Pride down the drain.
Now that the matter is resolved, allow me to list the mass plethora of pros related to my idea, and then declare a couple nonexistant and negligible cons related to my idea. I've deiced to do this in an easy, accessible manner, naturally for your viewing ease.
PROS
a) With this, we can finally justify the hatred and insults that video game unenthusiasts have been wrongfully throwing at video games. They want violence? Can we do it?
YES WE CAN!
Of course, the reaction to these unethusiasts will still be the same : whine more, I'll shove the cheese down your mouth later.
b) With this, we can finally teach our children the effects of....MARAJUANA. LSD. CRACK. ALCOHOL. PROSTITUTES. DOWNTOWN EASTSIDE. GANG WARS. TEDDY BEARS. SPACE INVADERS. EDWARD HAN. AND OTHER RELATED PROFANITIES.
God knows they should experience this in a game, before stepping out into the real world.
c) With this, we can make a smash hit on the PS3, XBOX360, TOSHIBA LAPTOPS, MACS, the WII, and of course, THE ATARI 2600! Naturally, the sales records of this game in developement will break records unbroken since the introduction of TETRIS! OVER 9 COPIES WILL SELL. ALL IN VANCOUVER. You could practically call it: Tetris, the 2nd Coming.
d) With this, everybody in the world, not just those in Vancouver, will know of the efforts that Vancouver is making to "clean up" for the Olympics. God knows everybody should know the "proud" efforts our city is making!
e to z) Insert more awesome reasons here.
NOW TO THE...
cons.
a)wtf is a con?
b)conjob?
c)that's in the game too!
THAT IS ALL!
Now that I have applied the laws of propaganda to my idea, allow me to show you a "general overview" of the game. Naturally it's very classified data, like, Zone51 stuff, so uhh..you know, keep it secret. Or you might find me outside your window at night.
With a refridgerator.
The player starts off, being able to select his class. He can become one of three classes.
a) Civilian - The weaklings. Limited in his ability to equip weapons, restricted to using metal sticks, crowbars, illegal handguns, hunting rifles, cars, lamp posts, home made explosives, and of course, teddy bears. They level up by "Increasing Vancouver's Olympic Reputation" through a variety of in game quests.
b) Gangster - The awesome dudes. Uses anything from crowbars to rocket launchers to satellite lasers to nuclear warheads to SARS to teddy bears...and the dreaded...bunny rabbit. They level up by just being badass and shooting the shit out of things, and doing gangster shiz.
c) Policeman - The wtf buddies. They don't need weapons, they just drive around in their cop cars and eat donuts and drink coffee. They level up by doing completely nothing at all. As long as they remain passive they will gain experience. Even better if they run from the scene of a crime.
The objective of the game:
Level up, and become a person of renown in the city of Vancouver. More quests lead to more reputation, subsequently the player's "Wanted Level" will increase, and eventually cops will do NOTHING AT ALL TO YOU!
The Wanted Level:
An important element of the game, determines how aggressive the cops are against you, ranks go up from 1 to 5 as you do more crimes.
1 - Cops will call in the RCMP, and together they will hunt you down and label you a terrorist.
2 - Cops will see you and frame you for robberies, crimes, and generally kick the shit out of you.
3 - Cops will flip a coin to decide whether to a) shoot you, b) run away, c) eat a donut, d) kick that homeless at the eastside, e) turn on the siren for fun, f) camp out with other cops and have storytime.
4 - Cops will watch as you commit crimes, then flee when you notice them.
5 - Cops will pay you to spare them.
The Weapons:
Of course, who could miss out on the weapons in the game? Everything from the awesome to the mundane to the ultimately deadly...for example...
That Tree Over There (TTOT) - Awesome melee weapon, take them and whack them against the tree. Be careful you might make environmentalists angry.
The Rubber Ducky - Enough to make any terrorist go HOLYFCKRUNFORYOURLIVES! The rubber ducky is 90% artificial byproducts, and awesomely toxic! It'll probably kill you while you try to use it!
The Handgun - If you picked it up from a cop, it's actually empty. If you picked it up from a gangster, you have a full magazine. If you bought it as a civilian, shoot yourself.
That Refridgerator - The ultimate weapon in terms of efficiency, it's a literal Carnot Engine! 100% work converted into 100% energy, all in the form of CHILLING YOUR FOOD! Use this weapon sparingly.
....NOW I BELIEVE I SHALL...
TAKE A BREAK!
2.05.2009
The True Nature of Chopsticks
So today passed by, where I
a) fluked my 152 exam and pretty confident I passed.
b( died to a tutorial where our TA slapped our face by telling us we sucked.
c) finished my 160 Lab, apparently ahead of the class, then realized I had to add another piece of code, and ended up finishing second. Oh well, it's only Nick ahead of me. : )
I wanted to play badminton today too, but apparently I couldn't. I wonder if the Community Center still has dropins (was about to say dropouts lolol)...apparently Myron reads this, so yo Ice Queen, what do you guys do on the weekends nowadays?
WOAHSHI- I JUST REALIZED!
a) I HAVE A MIDTERM ON MONDAY.
b) I HAVE COURSE COMPASS FOR TOMMOROW
c) I HAVE MASTERING PHSYICS FOR SUNDAY.
d) I'VE DONE NOTHING.
REALIZATION! >>> PROCRASTINATION SKILL LEVEL UP!
USER ~LOVELESS~ USES "ON TOPIC"!
The True Nature of Chopsticks (More warning on content length)
So chopsticks, the chinese culinary dragons for use against nasty bak choi, dangerous chinese sausages, perilious sticky rice, and other nasty asian beasties. With the recent influx of Asian influence here in Vancouver and other places where the massive Asian takeover has occured, outsiders of the Chopstick Kingdom have come to realize the existance of the majestic beast known only as the "Chopstick", or in the Chopstick Kingsdom's terms...the kuaizi. Oh wait, did I say massive Asian takeover somewhere in there? No, don't mind me, I said nothing.
Having lived here for a good 13 years, I have come to realize that, to my astonishment, most people do not know the true nature of this godly creature. That legendary animal which is the chopstick, most essential for the practice of chinese cuisine, has now been regarded by many as being "hard to use", "hard to master", "hard to pick things up with", "hard to hold without slipping sometimes", and other "hard to" accusations. In fact, I find that certain members originally from the Chopstick Kingdom have actually failed to utilize the Chopstick properly!
This begs me to ask: Could it be that the Chopstick is going obsolete?
Well, I guess, let's face it. The Chopstick, ever since it's migration over to the chilly lands of Canada, has found itself outside its natural environment. The unfortunate consequence of this is that it now must adapt to new prey on a new dining plate. No longer is it hunting bak choi in terra cotta bowls, now it is hunting broccoli on a 6x4 plate. No longer is it wrestling against deep fried pork against the slippery surface of a rice bowl, now it faces the formidable sirloin steak on a cutting platter.
Indeed, the situation looks grim for the Chopstick Kingdom's beloved duo.
But only those without faith would hesitate in the face of such an adversary! So allow me to humbly teach you now..."The Art of Chopstick Manipulation". As such, it comes in several varieties, suited for different styles of both Chopsticks and Chopstick Users, I like to refer to them as ninjas. 'Cause you know, ninjas look cool and all. Awesome.
Style 1: The Traditional Way
You know guys, lots of people find the Traditional really complicated, while really pretty, but sometimes hard to remember, and even harder to do properly. You guys, I actually understand how you feel. But let me state this one fact. Get ready.
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
Oh, what, you wanted to know how to do the Traditional method? Take your friend Chopsticks, three fingers control the attacking Chopstick, two fingers support the defending Chopstick. Do 63214B + 214C + 22A to perform the Chopstick Pincer Attack. Rinse and Repeat. Be careful not to press too hard, because the stupid keyboa-Chopstick may think you want to repeat a 2 or a 3, and end up flying away to some land somewhere. Hey, maybe it'll dig a hole to China if you press 2 long enough.
Style 2: The Brute Force Method
This style is most definitely deceptively simple but remarkably effective. Best used against large prey with soft underbellies, like, really raw meat ( which you know, I personally wouldn't touch, but it's really squishy ), gelatin, chicken fat, jello, pudding, and assorted "soft" objects. You ask me, how do I apply this style?
Easy, hold your chopstick in an underhand stance like a knife and stab it in, in the same fashion you would do if you wanted to murder your most hated teacher that pretty much failed you in physics 153 because his test was gay or the chem 154 or w/e that crappy class was (WOAHSHI- RANT DETECTED!)...yes, you get my point. Stab. Stab Harder. Stab Enough Harder. Apply Teeth. Stab More. Doing so will thus increase your experience points in this style.
As a precaution, allow me to warn you never to do this in the face of anybody who actually knows how to use Chopsticks. Like seriously, you'll look like a caveman who suddenly picked up a small stick and finally learned how to stab things with it. But if you don't care about your social image, then by all means, be my guest and stab away at your profess-uh...raw sirloin steak.
Style 3: Chinese Remainder Theorem
The Chinese Remainder Theorem, as specific and awesome as it sounds, is actually widespread and applicable in many situations not very Chinese. Originally developed in the Chopstick Kingdom by some Sun Tzu guy or something who also probably invented sticky rice and dumplings, the Chinese Remainder is very specific in that it states a general rule by which to use, the Chopstick.
Chinese Remainder Theorem
Let R and I be foods which are, unique and positive in taste, then let C and E be just really, any type of food that's edible. A method must exist in which a Chopstick User can reduce the amount of R, I, C, and E all to an equal value, this value dependant on the total edibility, taste, and uniqueness of the foods.
Undoubtedly, you're all going "WHAT THE FUCK?!" right now. You know what, I was too when I found this out. Actually, I'm still going "WHAT THE FUCK?!", not only at the fact that I'm going to die doing this moments assignment, but also that the Chinese Remainder Theorem is seriously scary.
Let's think about this in Layman's terms for a moment.
R, I, C, and E are essentially foods. What the C.R.T. (CRITICAL HIT!), states is that, there must be a way in which you can utilize the Chopstick and somehow, after a number of uses, end up with four amounts of food which are absolutely equal in their total "edibility value". This value is composed of three seperately factors, namely "Quantity", "Quality", and "Woahshi-ability". So let's give an example to highlight it.
EX.1 Johnny has 900 Onions, 4269 Cabbages, 30 Cadbury Milk Chocolate, and 1 Shark, weighing at 900lb. Johnny, also has a Chopstick. However, his stomach can only fit 2500 cabbages, 200 onions, 0.34 of a shark, and 2 Cadbury Milk Chocolate. Question: How should Johnny proceed with eating his breakfast? Oh, right, that's what he eats for breakfast, I forgot to mention it.
Ans.1 Very simple. Johnny must realize that by the Chinese Remainder Theorem, and referring to his table of Edibility Values, the R.I.C.and E. that he has, has the following values.
Quantity Quality Woahshi-ability
Onions 900 -20 500
Cabbages 4269 1 -10
Cadbury Milk Chocolate 30 50 2529
Shark 1 9000 over 9000
Johnny then utilizes a magical and mystical power available to all practitioners of the Chinese Remainder Theorem. He finds the NORM through ADDITION and MULTIPLICATION and SQUAREROOTIFICATION. He arrives at the following values.
NOTE: all values are "int" values, not denoted in %lf.
Onions 1029
Cabbages 4269
C.M.C. 2530
Shark 12739 (Limit as x approaches OVER 9000...is 9001, apparently.)
Now it becomes obvious that as the total edibility of the shark is higher than any of the other available foods, Johnny must first eat the shark, before he proceeds to eat his vegetables, C.M.C, and finally, onions. Problem solved, by courtesy of the Chinese Remainder Theorem. Just so you know, the amount of variables could be almost anything, like...D.I.M.S.U.M. , S.I.U.M.A.I. , T.O.F.U. and so on and so on. Just that R.I.C.E. is great as an example.
GOOD CHOICE JOHNNY.
If you still don't get it, don't worry, because it was never vital in the math 12 curriculum to learn the C.R.T. anyways. Hell, I forgot it and just ended up eating Mcdonalds. On the other hand, if you do get it, seriously, I think you need to see a psychiatrist for mental delusions.
Style 4: The Simplified Way (Aka, the Lazy Way, or the Gay Way, or the Ew what the fuck(?!) are you doing Way)
Allow me to reiterate.
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
Good. If you still want to learn, fine.
There's a breed of Chopsticks called the Korean Chopsticks. They're shiny, they're glisteny, they're hard, but they're really flat on one side.
Use that side. Press A+B. The Chopstick will clamp onto anything with its flat sides. Direct the trapped prey to mouth. Hell, toss it in if you're not confident you'll succeed. Repeat for profit. (Profit is minimal)
Like seriously, don't use this method. Good god, Korean Chopsticks, like, they're pretty much made for laziness. I swear. Learn the Traditional Way, or you might as well use...
Style 5: The Spear of Longinus a.k.a We're Going to Throw This Really Large Spear at You Now.
Warning: Do not aim at the sky while using this. We need the moon to do those tidal forces stuff you know.
Warning: Do not aim with power while using this, you'll end up losing a Chopstick, and the other one will cry.
Warning: Do not aim with abandon while using this, you can easily cause sharp sounds or break plates, both of which will cause you imminent pain.
Warning: Do not aim at people with this, especially if you have Korean chopsticks, you can potentially turn them into bak choi, like, you know, vegetable (wo)man?
Warning: While you're preparing to thrust the Chopstick in, be aware of your Chopstick's piercing strength. You know, too low and this can fail.
Warning: Once you've managed to pierce it in, don't try to wiggle the Chopstick or anything thinking you can break the food apart. I've tried it before, it can get messy, real quick.
Warning: You're stupid if you don't know how to do this.
Warning? If you still don't know how to do this, take one chopstick, drive it into a poor food like a spear, pop into mouth, savor taste, tear out chopstick. It's like a variant of the Brute Force Method, but at least you can drive it in without the same inelegance as the Kill Professor Thrust.
AND SUCH IS THE 5 STYLES (ELEMENTARY) of CHOPSTICK USAGE.
Please, I implore you, all of you who would think of converting to the "Frakkin' Fork" or "Kiddy Knife" or "Stupid Spoon", the Chopstick is waiting for you to develop mastery for it. It is easily, so very easily, superior to those three wannabes in every single way.
If you're still going to scream to be that it's too hard to use Chopsticks. Jesus, go use your hands, they're there for a reason. If you say that's too hard...wow, get an IV drip, I think you'll need it soon.
____________________________________________________________________
12:15 AM...and my "ON TOPIC" buff has effectively run out. Wow. I was actually like, zoning out as I wrote this, I'm not quite sure what I wrote. What did I write...damn. Meh, whatever. I'll eventually think of it. Eventually.
a) fluked my 152 exam and pretty confident I passed.
b( died to a tutorial where our TA slapped our face by telling us we sucked.
c) finished my 160 Lab, apparently ahead of the class, then realized I had to add another piece of code, and ended up finishing second. Oh well, it's only Nick ahead of me. : )
I wanted to play badminton today too, but apparently I couldn't. I wonder if the Community Center still has dropins (was about to say dropouts lolol)...apparently Myron reads this, so yo Ice Queen, what do you guys do on the weekends nowadays?
WOAHSHI- I JUST REALIZED!
a) I HAVE A MIDTERM ON MONDAY.
b) I HAVE COURSE COMPASS FOR TOMMOROW
c) I HAVE MASTERING PHSYICS FOR SUNDAY.
d) I'VE DONE NOTHING.
REALIZATION! >>> PROCRASTINATION SKILL LEVEL UP!
USER ~LOVELESS~ USES "ON TOPIC"!
The True Nature of Chopsticks (More warning on content length)
So chopsticks, the chinese culinary dragons for use against nasty bak choi, dangerous chinese sausages, perilious sticky rice, and other nasty asian beasties. With the recent influx of Asian influence here in Vancouver and other places where the massive Asian takeover has occured, outsiders of the Chopstick Kingdom have come to realize the existance of the majestic beast known only as the "Chopstick", or in the Chopstick Kingsdom's terms...the kuaizi. Oh wait, did I say massive Asian takeover somewhere in there? No, don't mind me, I said nothing.
Having lived here for a good 13 years, I have come to realize that, to my astonishment, most people do not know the true nature of this godly creature. That legendary animal which is the chopstick, most essential for the practice of chinese cuisine, has now been regarded by many as being "hard to use", "hard to master", "hard to pick things up with", "hard to hold without slipping sometimes", and other "hard to" accusations. In fact, I find that certain members originally from the Chopstick Kingdom have actually failed to utilize the Chopstick properly!
This begs me to ask: Could it be that the Chopstick is going obsolete?
Well, I guess, let's face it. The Chopstick, ever since it's migration over to the chilly lands of Canada, has found itself outside its natural environment. The unfortunate consequence of this is that it now must adapt to new prey on a new dining plate. No longer is it hunting bak choi in terra cotta bowls, now it is hunting broccoli on a 6x4 plate. No longer is it wrestling against deep fried pork against the slippery surface of a rice bowl, now it faces the formidable sirloin steak on a cutting platter.
Indeed, the situation looks grim for the Chopstick Kingdom's beloved duo.
But only those without faith would hesitate in the face of such an adversary! So allow me to humbly teach you now..."The Art of Chopstick Manipulation". As such, it comes in several varieties, suited for different styles of both Chopsticks and Chopstick Users, I like to refer to them as ninjas. 'Cause you know, ninjas look cool and all. Awesome.
Style 1: The Traditional Way
You know guys, lots of people find the Traditional really complicated, while really pretty, but sometimes hard to remember, and even harder to do properly. You guys, I actually understand how you feel. But let me state this one fact. Get ready.
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
Oh, what, you wanted to know how to do the Traditional method? Take your friend Chopsticks, three fingers control the attacking Chopstick, two fingers support the defending Chopstick. Do 63214B + 214C + 22A to perform the Chopstick Pincer Attack. Rinse and Repeat. Be careful not to press too hard, because the stupid keyboa-Chopstick may think you want to repeat a 2 or a 3, and end up flying away to some land somewhere. Hey, maybe it'll dig a hole to China if you press 2 long enough.
Style 2: The Brute Force Method
This style is most definitely deceptively simple but remarkably effective. Best used against large prey with soft underbellies, like, really raw meat ( which you know, I personally wouldn't touch, but it's really squishy ), gelatin, chicken fat, jello, pudding, and assorted "soft" objects. You ask me, how do I apply this style?
Easy, hold your chopstick in an underhand stance like a knife and stab it in, in the same fashion you would do if you wanted to murder your most hated teacher that pretty much failed you in physics 153 because his test was gay or the chem 154 or w/e that crappy class was (WOAHSHI- RANT DETECTED!)...yes, you get my point. Stab. Stab Harder. Stab Enough Harder. Apply Teeth. Stab More. Doing so will thus increase your experience points in this style.
As a precaution, allow me to warn you never to do this in the face of anybody who actually knows how to use Chopsticks. Like seriously, you'll look like a caveman who suddenly picked up a small stick and finally learned how to stab things with it. But if you don't care about your social image, then by all means, be my guest and stab away at your profess-uh...raw sirloin steak.
Style 3: Chinese Remainder Theorem
The Chinese Remainder Theorem, as specific and awesome as it sounds, is actually widespread and applicable in many situations not very Chinese. Originally developed in the Chopstick Kingdom by some Sun Tzu guy or something who also probably invented sticky rice and dumplings, the Chinese Remainder is very specific in that it states a general rule by which to use, the Chopstick.
Chinese Remainder Theorem
Let R and I be foods which are, unique and positive in taste, then let C and E be just really, any type of food that's edible. A method must exist in which a Chopstick User can reduce the amount of R, I, C, and E all to an equal value, this value dependant on the total edibility, taste, and uniqueness of the foods.
Undoubtedly, you're all going "WHAT THE FUCK?!" right now. You know what, I was too when I found this out. Actually, I'm still going "WHAT THE FUCK?!", not only at the fact that I'm going to die doing this moments assignment, but also that the Chinese Remainder Theorem is seriously scary.
Let's think about this in Layman's terms for a moment.
R, I, C, and E are essentially foods. What the C.R.T. (CRITICAL HIT!), states is that, there must be a way in which you can utilize the Chopstick and somehow, after a number of uses, end up with four amounts of food which are absolutely equal in their total "edibility value". This value is composed of three seperately factors, namely "Quantity", "Quality", and "Woahshi-ability". So let's give an example to highlight it.
EX.1 Johnny has 900 Onions, 4269 Cabbages, 30 Cadbury Milk Chocolate, and 1 Shark, weighing at 900lb. Johnny, also has a Chopstick. However, his stomach can only fit 2500 cabbages, 200 onions, 0.34 of a shark, and 2 Cadbury Milk Chocolate. Question: How should Johnny proceed with eating his breakfast? Oh, right, that's what he eats for breakfast, I forgot to mention it.
Ans.1 Very simple. Johnny must realize that by the Chinese Remainder Theorem, and referring to his table of Edibility Values, the R.I.C.and E. that he has, has the following values.
Quantity Quality Woahshi-ability
Onions 900 -20 500
Cabbages 4269 1 -10
Cadbury Milk Chocolate 30 50 2529
Shark 1 9000 over 9000
Johnny then utilizes a magical and mystical power available to all practitioners of the Chinese Remainder Theorem. He finds the NORM through ADDITION and MULTIPLICATION and SQUAREROOTIFICATION. He arrives at the following values.
NOTE: all values are "int" values, not denoted in %lf.
Onions 1029
Cabbages 4269
C.M.C. 2530
Shark 12739 (Limit as x approaches OVER 9000...is 9001, apparently.)
Now it becomes obvious that as the total edibility of the shark is higher than any of the other available foods, Johnny must first eat the shark, before he proceeds to eat his vegetables, C.M.C, and finally, onions. Problem solved, by courtesy of the Chinese Remainder Theorem. Just so you know, the amount of variables could be almost anything, like...D.I.M.S.U.M. , S.I.U.M.A.I. , T.O.F.U. and so on and so on. Just that R.I.C.E. is great as an example.
GOOD CHOICE JOHNNY.
If you still don't get it, don't worry, because it was never vital in the math 12 curriculum to learn the C.R.T. anyways. Hell, I forgot it and just ended up eating Mcdonalds. On the other hand, if you do get it, seriously, I think you need to see a psychiatrist for mental delusions.
Style 4: The Simplified Way (Aka, the Lazy Way, or the Gay Way, or the Ew what the fuck(?!) are you doing Way)
Allow me to reiterate.
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
TRADITIONAL > SIMPLIFIED
Good. If you still want to learn, fine.
There's a breed of Chopsticks called the Korean Chopsticks. They're shiny, they're glisteny, they're hard, but they're really flat on one side.
Use that side. Press A+B. The Chopstick will clamp onto anything with its flat sides. Direct the trapped prey to mouth. Hell, toss it in if you're not confident you'll succeed. Repeat for profit. (Profit is minimal)
Like seriously, don't use this method. Good god, Korean Chopsticks, like, they're pretty much made for laziness. I swear. Learn the Traditional Way, or you might as well use...
Style 5: The Spear of Longinus a.k.a We're Going to Throw This Really Large Spear at You Now.
Warning: Do not aim at the sky while using this. We need the moon to do those tidal forces stuff you know.
Warning: Do not aim with power while using this, you'll end up losing a Chopstick, and the other one will cry.
Warning: Do not aim with abandon while using this, you can easily cause sharp sounds or break plates, both of which will cause you imminent pain.
Warning: Do not aim at people with this, especially if you have Korean chopsticks, you can potentially turn them into bak choi, like, you know, vegetable (wo)man?
Warning: While you're preparing to thrust the Chopstick in, be aware of your Chopstick's piercing strength. You know, too low and this can fail.
Warning: Once you've managed to pierce it in, don't try to wiggle the Chopstick or anything thinking you can break the food apart. I've tried it before, it can get messy, real quick.
Warning: You're stupid if you don't know how to do this.
Warning? If you still don't know how to do this, take one chopstick, drive it into a poor food like a spear, pop into mouth, savor taste, tear out chopstick. It's like a variant of the Brute Force Method, but at least you can drive it in without the same inelegance as the Kill Professor Thrust.
AND SUCH IS THE 5 STYLES (ELEMENTARY) of CHOPSTICK USAGE.
Please, I implore you, all of you who would think of converting to the "Frakkin' Fork" or "Kiddy Knife" or "Stupid Spoon", the Chopstick is waiting for you to develop mastery for it. It is easily, so very easily, superior to those three wannabes in every single way.
If you're still going to scream to be that it's too hard to use Chopsticks. Jesus, go use your hands, they're there for a reason. If you say that's too hard...wow, get an IV drip, I think you'll need it soon.
____________________________________________________________________
12:15 AM...and my "ON TOPIC" buff has effectively run out. Wow. I was actually like, zoning out as I wrote this, I'm not quite sure what I wrote. What did I write...damn. Meh, whatever. I'll eventually think of it. Eventually.
2.04.2009
Where am I?
Actually, I'm inside the student union building. Or well, leaving it. Or well, entering the Hebb building. No, rather, somewhere in between. I hate relativity.
So, a friend who I shall refer to as "Delta Martian" one day, in his boredom, came and said to me. "Hey dude, get a blog." *insert double take here*....*insert another one*....Yeah, that was me when I saw it.
I tried to evaluate logically: "Why I shouldn't get a blog." Obviously, that didn't work out very well. Most likely it was because I actually felt like finding a place to spew out random junk from the bottom of my verbal stomach. You know, like how penguins regurgitate food for their kids?
...Bad analogy.
Anyhow, as I was debating on blogging with me, myself, I, me 2, and me 3, we all came to realize that we actually had something to say. Wait...a minute...I think I said this before...Yeah, this whole "write in first person speaking tense" thing is getting convoluted. Before I lose it(God forbid|wait, I'm not Christian{Oh, nevermind, it's ok, I'll just use his name in vain[no offence]}|)
I might as well write it down.
The Five "W" Words of Life (Warning Long as Hell And Takes Half an Hour to Read)
Once upon a time, in a land known as England, some fag said "Let there be English".
And so, there was English.
Then that fag went: "Shit, how do I ask question in English?"
Of course, being the fag he was, he didn't realize he had just asked a question.
And so, there was the five "W" words.
"What?!", "Wait...", "Why? *skeptical look*", "What the Fuck?", and "WOAHSHI-".
Now, you're probably thinking right now. "Yo what the fuck man, the five W's are who, what, why, where and when." Before you allow me to prove you wrong completely, please, consider this.
Just how much do you use those five W's? (Of course, not including the ones that overlap)
If you answered "A lot", then you're a fag, go back to Cambridge or wherever.
Anything else, you're still safe. Now allow me to explain why the "Old 5 W's" is utterly obsolete and why the "New 5 W's" should be the "Only 5 W's" in existance. Okay fine, I'm over realistically covering over Who, Where and When. What and why just got upgrades.
Who
I'd hate to break it to you guys, but in the "modern world" with "modern vocabulary", we really don't give a damn who you are. (I did. NOT. use that "who" as a question word.) Amongst our concrete jungles and cement gardens, you are very unfortunately, human "#insertrandomintegerhere". When you consider this fact, (and yes, it's a fact, don't deny it now) you should take into consideration how many people you know, versus the amount of people existing on the Earth right now.
Here, let me help you with that. According to the CIA Factbook (Wikipedia II, definitely reliable), the world population is currently at...
I shall now proceed to introduce variable 2, which is namely, "MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS". Facebook is obviously a valid source for my argument because OF COURSE I KNOW EVERYONE~. Wait as I phone up Facebook for my total amount of friends! *pleasewaitnowloading*
801
Damn. I was hoping it would actually be 802. But oh well, I shall now use the miracle known as "DIVISION" and by "DIVISION" I shall determine how much of the "WORLD" I know. *DIVISION-ing.*
0.000011942759%
There you have it ladies and gentlemen. I know approximately 1.0*10^-5% of the world. And now, if you take this number into consideration, I'm sure you realize that out of those 801 people, half of them probably don't know me.
I do believe that I have satisfied the requirements for proving how insignificant we are in comparision to "THE WORLD". Don't bother asking people who they are, you'll only be adding...*DIVISION-ing*
Conclusion: Who is insignificant. If you were wondering, Who found a new job instead of being a question word. He became a Doctor. Now he gets to fly around in a time travelling telephone box, and look more than 2D.
Where
It's really a shame that "Where", actually used to be rather usable and pretty dependable too. Unfortunately, that was back in the 5th century or so when people travelled around in dinosaur carts and the closest bathroom was the forest of coniferous trees just outside the cave filled with sabertooth tigers, wooly mammoths, and your friendly neighbourhood velociraptors.
Nowadays when somebody asks "Where is the closest washroom" the reply usually ends up confusing the asker so much that they end up answering nature's call amidst a tightly packed crowd of humans who definitely do not appreciate. At least the velociraptors were nice enough to give a minor warning growl before they chewed up your ass.
Let me emphasize very clearly. DO. NOT. ASK. ME. WHERE. THE. WASHROOM. IS. If you can't read signs, you're either a) blind, b) illiterate, c) dyslexic (in which you're really not at fault), d) retarded, e) all of the above. If you raised up your hand to a, b, c, or d, get echolocation and become a bat. At least if you're a bat you can fly away after taking a crap.
"Where" is obsolete. The answer has always been "there" (No, don't ask me where).
It's called a map. Learn to read.
It's called a sign. Learn to look.
"Where" nowadays can no longer be considered a question word. At least "Who" became a Doctor, "Where" just became a sign of human laziness, human stupidity, or in very rare cases, a lack of telepathy and rape via Einstein's relativity. I LACK TELEPATHY, WHERE AM I.
When
It just occured to me that like "Where", "When" also has a really obvious answer. But of course, schedules, timelines, calenders, clocks, and human ears aren't always available. Pity.
But really, When died to a different reason.
What and hoW murdered When when When was sleeping : (.
Just when I was about to comment on how I used to ask when the time for the midterm was, me 2 beat me to the punch and said "What time is the midterm?". Then when I was about to ask "when we could leave", me 3 suddenly interjected and said "How much longer til we go?" Every time I tried to give When some time to shine as a question word, What and hoW decided to be cruel and kick When's ass.
Needless to say, When is obsolete.
---------------------------------------------------------- X ----------------------------------------------------
Now, we should take a look at the NEw 5 W'S. Of course, this section will be shorter, since most of it is so blatantly obvious.
1.What?
What's life story was simple. What was born. What had an unfair advantage over his siblings. What became a megalomaniac. What took over When's job. What started taking over the roles of his other siblings. What contributed to Where's decomposition. What suddenly became universally utilized. What became so popular that it reproduced by some sort of literary budding, but its offsprings were mutants, making variants such as Wut, Wat, Whut, Watt, Wott, Woot, and etc.
Don't deny it, you use What. Everyday.
2.Wait...
You're going to tell me now, "Wait..." isn't a question! Don't worry about it. By the Law of Universal Question Making, if we apply an increase in tone represented by a ? or / at the end of Wait... it'll become a question. But you'll also realize that "Wait..."'s effectiveness drops a bit. "Wait..."'s potential lies in the fact that it is indeed, multidisciplinary.
You use "Wait..." to slow people down. (Before speeding past them)
You use "Wait..." to indicate doubt. (Before proving them wrong)
You use "Wait..." to show a lack of understanding. (Before going I GET IT, just as they start to explain.)
You use "Wait..." to stall. (So that you can copy the answer and hand it in)
The list goes on and on. Wait only ranks behind What because What's a whore.
3."Why? *skeptical look*"
This is so fucking self explanatory. I mean, you obviously use Why so that you can get them to talk more and spew out more BS. End of story. It's just third because a lot of the time, you actually don't want to know why, you just don't want to bother talking.
2."What the Fuck?"
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IT'S PHYSICS 153 RIGHT NOW.
What the fuck. It's good for you. Use it often. Just...replace fuck if you're seriously challenged.
1."WOAHSHI-"
There has never been an instance when "WOAHSHI-" cannot be used. If you dare to doubt the "WOAHSHI-" in it's practicality, elegance, effectiveness, and ability to interject into any conversation, then I suggest only one thing.
Use it.
That's pretty much it for the New 5 W's. God I feel like I'm writing a dictionary.
So, a friend who I shall refer to as "Delta Martian" one day, in his boredom, came and said to me. "Hey dude, get a blog." *insert double take here*....*insert another one*....Yeah, that was me when I saw it.
I tried to evaluate logically: "Why I shouldn't get a blog." Obviously, that didn't work out very well. Most likely it was because I actually felt like finding a place to spew out random junk from the bottom of my verbal stomach. You know, like how penguins regurgitate food for their kids?
...Bad analogy.
Anyhow, as I was debating on blogging with me, myself, I, me 2, and me 3, we all came to realize that we actually had something to say. Wait...a minute...I think I said this before...Yeah, this whole "write in first person speaking tense" thing is getting convoluted. Before I lose it(God forbid|wait, I'm not Christian{Oh, nevermind, it's ok, I'll just use his name in vain[no offence]}|)
I might as well write it down.
The Five "W" Words of Life (Warning Long as Hell And Takes Half an Hour to Read)
Once upon a time, in a land known as England, some fag said "Let there be English".
And so, there was English.
Then that fag went: "Shit, how do I ask question in English?"
Of course, being the fag he was, he didn't realize he had just asked a question.
And so, there was the five "W" words.
"What?!", "Wait...", "Why? *skeptical look*", "What the Fuck?", and "WOAHSHI-".
Now, you're probably thinking right now. "Yo what the fuck man, the five W's are who, what, why, where and when." Before you allow me to prove you wrong completely, please, consider this.
Just how much do you use those five W's? (Of course, not including the ones that overlap)
If you answered "A lot", then you're a fag, go back to Cambridge or wherever.
Anything else, you're still safe. Now allow me to explain why the "Old 5 W's" is utterly obsolete and why the "New 5 W's" should be the "Only 5 W's" in existance. Okay fine, I'm over realistically covering over Who, Where and When. What and why just got upgrades.
Who
I'd hate to break it to you guys, but in the "modern world" with "modern vocabulary", we really don't give a damn who you are. (I did. NOT. use that "who" as a question word.) Amongst our concrete jungles and cement gardens, you are very unfortunately, human "#insertrandomintegerhere". When you consider this fact, (and yes, it's a fact, don't deny it now) you should take into consideration how many people you know, versus the amount of people existing on the Earth right now.
Here, let me help you with that. According to the CIA Factbook (Wikipedia II, definitely reliable), the world population is currently at...
6,706,993,152
Let's approximate that to uhh...7,000,000,000 just to be safe. Now, I will proceed to utilize myself as an example and martyr my individuality to show you that your individuality is worthless. Remember the number 6706993152, or 7000000000, whichever you prefer.I shall now proceed to introduce variable 2, which is namely, "MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS". Facebook is obviously a valid source for my argument because OF COURSE I KNOW EVERYONE~. Wait as I phone up Facebook for my total amount of friends! *pleasewaitnowloading*
801
Damn. I was hoping it would actually be 802. But oh well, I shall now use the miracle known as "DIVISION" and by "DIVISION" I shall determine how much of the "WORLD" I know. *DIVISION-ing.*0.000011942759%
There you have it ladies and gentlemen. I know approximately 1.0*10^-5% of the world. And now, if you take this number into consideration, I'm sure you realize that out of those 801 people, half of them probably don't know me.I do believe that I have satisfied the requirements for proving how insignificant we are in comparision to "THE WORLD". Don't bother asking people who they are, you'll only be adding...*DIVISION-ing*
0.00000001491%
to your "Percentage of World Known"! You would have better luck getting to level 250 on any 1/1 mmo as a novice while being KoSed by bots, players, monsters every time you walk out of the first map. (I'll be nice and turn off exp loss on death)Conclusion: Who is insignificant. If you were wondering, Who found a new job instead of being a question word. He became a Doctor. Now he gets to fly around in a time travelling telephone box, and look more than 2D.
Where
It's really a shame that "Where", actually used to be rather usable and pretty dependable too. Unfortunately, that was back in the 5th century or so when people travelled around in dinosaur carts and the closest bathroom was the forest of coniferous trees just outside the cave filled with sabertooth tigers, wooly mammoths, and your friendly neighbourhood velociraptors.
Nowadays when somebody asks "Where is the closest washroom" the reply usually ends up confusing the asker so much that they end up answering nature's call amidst a tightly packed crowd of humans who definitely do not appreciate. At least the velociraptors were nice enough to give a minor warning growl before they chewed up your ass.
Let me emphasize very clearly. DO. NOT. ASK. ME. WHERE. THE. WASHROOM. IS. If you can't read signs, you're either a) blind, b) illiterate, c) dyslexic (in which you're really not at fault), d) retarded, e) all of the above. If you raised up your hand to a, b, c, or d, get echolocation and become a bat. At least if you're a bat you can fly away after taking a crap.
"Where" is obsolete. The answer has always been "there" (No, don't ask me where).
It's called a map. Learn to read.
It's called a sign. Learn to look.
"Where" nowadays can no longer be considered a question word. At least "Who" became a Doctor, "Where" just became a sign of human laziness, human stupidity, or in very rare cases, a lack of telepathy and rape via Einstein's relativity. I LACK TELEPATHY, WHERE AM I.
When
It just occured to me that like "Where", "When" also has a really obvious answer. But of course, schedules, timelines, calenders, clocks, and human ears aren't always available. Pity.
But really, When died to a different reason.
What and hoW murdered When when When was sleeping : (.
Just when I was about to comment on how I used to ask when the time for the midterm was, me 2 beat me to the punch and said "What time is the midterm?". Then when I was about to ask "when we could leave", me 3 suddenly interjected and said "How much longer til we go?" Every time I tried to give When some time to shine as a question word, What and hoW decided to be cruel and kick When's ass.
Needless to say, When is obsolete.
---------------------------------------------------------- X ----------------------------------------------------
Now, we should take a look at the NEw 5 W'S. Of course, this section will be shorter, since most of it is so blatantly obvious.
1.What?
What's life story was simple. What was born. What had an unfair advantage over his siblings. What became a megalomaniac. What took over When's job. What started taking over the roles of his other siblings. What contributed to Where's decomposition. What suddenly became universally utilized. What became so popular that it reproduced by some sort of literary budding, but its offsprings were mutants, making variants such as Wut, Wat, Whut, Watt, Wott, Woot, and etc.
Don't deny it, you use What. Everyday.
2.Wait...
You're going to tell me now, "Wait..." isn't a question! Don't worry about it. By the Law of Universal Question Making, if we apply an increase in tone represented by a ? or / at the end of Wait... it'll become a question. But you'll also realize that "Wait..."'s effectiveness drops a bit. "Wait..."'s potential lies in the fact that it is indeed, multidisciplinary.
You use "Wait..." to slow people down. (Before speeding past them)
You use "Wait..." to indicate doubt. (Before proving them wrong)
You use "Wait..." to show a lack of understanding. (Before going I GET IT, just as they start to explain.)
You use "Wait..." to stall. (So that you can copy the answer and hand it in)
The list goes on and on. Wait only ranks behind What because What's a whore.
3."Why? *skeptical look*"
This is so fucking self explanatory. I mean, you obviously use Why so that you can get them to talk more and spew out more BS. End of story. It's just third because a lot of the time, you actually don't want to know why, you just don't want to bother talking.
2."What the Fuck?"
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IT'S PHYSICS 153 RIGHT NOW.
What the fuck. It's good for you. Use it often. Just...replace fuck if you're seriously challenged.
1."WOAHSHI-"
There has never been an instance when "WOAHSHI-" cannot be used. If you dare to doubt the "WOAHSHI-" in it's practicality, elegance, effectiveness, and ability to interject into any conversation, then I suggest only one thing.
Use it.
That's pretty much it for the New 5 W's. God I feel like I'm writing a dictionary.
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